Freedom

What always is chanting in my head are a couple of words Bob Proctor always refers too, and I've also heard David Icke saying it many times..It goes like this:

If I want to Be Free, I gotta Be Me, I don't have to Be someone else wants me to Be, I don't have to Be who my children want me to Be or who my husband wants me to Be.. If I want to Be Free, I gotta Be Me..

I am Free... It's not that that happened overnight and it certainly wasn't always the case...Though I thought I was, I wasn't...

There really have been times and situations in which I thought I was free, while the only thing I could think of was what I could loose in material stuff if I decided

In meantime I was loosing myself and nothing else then myself and no one did that to me, I did it myself, ... bit by bit, day by day, I thought was myself, I wasn't choosing for myself....

Until one day, about a year ago, I woke up one morning, just like every other day and then it hit me..

Maybe I dreamed about it, maybe due to the ongoing and many arguments in my life and relationship, the neverending conversations about our relation, everlasting accusations of playing around, maybe due to the into oblivious kind of controlling kgb/cia habbitual virus my husband seemed to be infected with, or because of not being trusted and being watched like an eagle..

The thing is, I woke up and I really started to wake up.. Was this the life I always saw myself living.. nah.. it didn't even came close.. I decided it had to be different.. I drew the map.

Like I had somekind of a wake up call.. Whoop Whoop there it was... And it didn't let go..

What did those words mean to me, if I want to be Free, I got to Be Me, what did Bob's eternally and always repeated rhyme actually mean to me...?

Was I as free as I wanted to be?

No, certainly not...I luckily noticed.. and finally came to the conclusion that I felt completely wrapped in a marriage that was a true farce, with a husband who I liked more being gone then having around, I felt drowned and wasted. I totally did not feel free. This wasn't me as I knew me..

Me, who always followed her nose, who always expected the unexpected, me who wanted to see the world, me who was unstoppable, driven, focused, followed her gut and used to be in the flow..

Where was me..? And was this the me I always wanted to be..? How did I end up where I was..? And why..?

It's only since then I really started to think about what freedom actually means. To me it means this:

Freedom in my life, means that I want to be free to do, to say, to go, to stay, to be and to be with anything and/or anyone I want, whenever, however, how many, how much I'd like to do, to say, to go, to stay and to be and to be with. I decide, I choose, it's my life. Despite of all the withcoming consequenses, my freedom is totally holy ground to me.

If I can't express myself the way I am, the real me, that what makes me Me, being Me without being accused for all sorts of things, without crashing into another word fight or disastreus evening arguing about what I want and feel is best for me...

.... there will be a moment at some point that I make a decision. A real decision, one you never come back to, that will make a change.

Just recently I took such a decision. The decision to choose for myself and my kids, to quit a marriage that actually never was one.. And you know what..

And a burden fell from my shoulders and freedom came in again, knowing I made the rigth decision. Even while I'm not able to look further then the horizon of today. I took the shot and I know everything will be available for me right at the time it's most welcome..! And it is.

If a situation or person means stagnation of my freedom, my development or in my infinite growth, I'm not going to wait around until one really understands. I just let go and move on, even when it breaks my heart... Neither am I going to fill in someone elses lack of trust in the world surrounding him, not my responsibility. (been there done that, didn't work) Period.

You see.. the only way living butterflies are captured and caught being truly beautiful, is when they are flying freely.. When touched at their fragile wings they loose their ability to fly & to be the beautiful butterfly they are..

I'm like such a butterfly, at her best while flying and exploring freely and without being held back, always looking for the brightest, the best and most colourful flowers around.. enjoying the play dance of sunbeams warming her wings..

Love, Light & a Lot of Laughter

Hilde